We've just received shocking, unbelievable information: a man wearing bizarre clothing and seemingly able to speak all languages has arrived at our office! He claims to be a time traveler. He looks rather worse for wear, and he's reportedly from Elonsburg, New Cincinnati on Mars, year 2051! He arrived in a desperate bid to stop WWIII, he tells us. However, he was kind enough to give us the following record of events.
Time Travelers Time Line For Future Events
2020: An expensive medical process to reverse aging is perfected. Donald Trump and the baby boomers become immortal.
2021: Term limits abolished, Trump proclaimed President for Life.
2023: Trump uses expanded executive order powers to proclaim himself "God Emperor of the Milky Way" and orders the expansion of the Space Force.
2025: Other world leaders begin a desperate race to catch up with the US in the push to militarize space.
2026: The United States of Trump purchase the United Kingdom and Belgium, forming the Empire of Greater Trump.
2028: Most of the world has coalesced into four power blocks; one each led by China, Germany, the United States, and Paraguay.
2029: The European Confederation launches their experimental moon base from rocket pads in Austria, hoping to claim the vital outpost before Trump or, god save us, the Paraguayans. However, the world is stunned to see the space station miss the moon! The moon moved out of the way, revealing that Elon Musk had turned the moon into an elaborate base with hidden planetary boosters.
The various powers demand Elon Musk join them or turn over the moon, but he refuses.
2030: Trump makes a speech *to* pronounce how yuge the Space Force has grown and that Musk was bigly mistaken in his insolence. The powers are sowing the seeds of conflict.
2031: An important Austrian figure is assassinated on a trip to Serbia, a nation in the Chinese and Russian sphere. This was totally unrelated to the cause of WWIII.
Time Traveler WWIII Details Revealed
WWIII broke out between Chinese-aligned Greece and German-aligned Turkey as a result of an ongoing dispute between the two nations. What started as a heated argument over the origin of yogurt escalated into a Greek punitive expedition when Turks began playing "Istanbul not Constantinople" by THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS loudly at the border. Later, German troops launch a massive assault on Belgium, now rechristened 'New Mar-a-Lago.' After their speedy conquest, they cause much consternation by attacking France, a German ally. They apologized citing 'force of habit.'
WWIII lasts about three days - the time it takes for the various earthly powers to obliterate one another with orbital bombardments and nuclear strikes.